Title: Armed With Every Precious Failure
Author: Amalin
Notes: Warning for incest.



1.\

The first time Tay kissed him, the side-door of the studio was propped open with a brick and someone was taking a smoking break around the corner, coughing into his hands; it had been a brutally long filming session, they were all exhausted, and Zac had escaped outside for a moment or two of air. Tay followed him, one hand on his shoulder; said, "Hey, you okay," and Zac had said, "yeah, yeah," and that had been it, Taylor leaning in with this serious look in his eyes, fingers curling a little around Zac's hip when Zac tipped his head back. It was simple and a little bit rough, brick against his shoulder blades and dust scudding up around their sneakers, Zac thinking a bit desperately, Tay needs to shave. It wasn't what he expected.

"um," Taylor said afterwards, and his lips were wet and he looked down, eyelashes dropping like an apology. He made some small noise when Zac touched his elbow and slid his palm up until he could curl his fingers just under the fraying sleeve of Tay's shirt, and it was easier that time, easier for Taylor to slip his thumb through Zac's belt loop, easier for him to push against the warm weight of Tay's thigh next to his, easier.

The door scraped, a moment later, and there was a sudden scuffle of dirt as they separated, both standing several feet from each other when Isaac emerged.

"So we gonna do this music video, or what?" he said, and didn't appear to notice when Zac rubbed the back of his hand across his mouth, or the way Taylor looked over at Zac in the guttering light, a little bit lewd and sweet all at the same time.






They didn't talk about it for three days. Zac fooled around with the drums for one of the songs they left off Underneath, smoked a cigarette with Samaire Armstrong before he regretted it halfway through, beat Ike at four video games, and wrote two songs. He hated both of them and left them in a Dumpster when no one was paying attention, so that no one could find them by accident.






"Hey," Taylor said, on the fourth day, handing Zac a glass of water during a break before an interview, "I was thinking," and Zac brushed fingers with him, and then Isaac rounded the corner. Taylor grinned at him, eyes secret and unreadable, and he said, "well later, maybe, then."

I wrote a song about you, Zac thought about saying, and didn't. His wrists ached and his eyes were gritty with exhaustion and he wanted to be done, not sweating under the interrogation of fluorescent lights, watching Taylor's wedding ring gleam as he pushed his hair out of his face.

Taylor brushed passed him later, on his way to the bathroom, and his fingers slipped over Zac's forearm, just for a second. "You want to change those chords, then?" Ike was saying, and Zac nodded without thinking, looked right through him. "Hey," Ike said, "Zac, you okay there?"

"What, yeah." Zac batted away his older brother's hand reaching for his forehead. "Stop, I'm fine."

"You look a little feverish, is all."

"It's the lights," Zac said, and rubbed his mouth. "Hot in here."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Zac said, "yeah, I'm sure."






He caught at Taylor's shirt on their way out of the studio that night and said, "hey, um," and Taylor said, "What?"

"I," Zac began, before he lost his nerve, and said instead, "I was thinking about Mom's birthday and--"

And Taylor said, "Yeah?" and pulled him back inside the dark building and his mouth was soft, he tasted a little like oranges and his hair smelled like smoke. This time his palm was hot on Zac's hip and Zac flushed when Taylor's knee bumped his, but the lights were out, and nobody could see them, Tay couldn't see him, they were just shapes in the dark.






2.\

"You ate the last of our bread," Ike accused once, after breakfast, and Zac stopped eating with a spoonful of cereal dripping milk halfway to his mouth. "uh, sorry," he managed, before finishing the spoonful, hoping the guilt wasn't plain on his face. He remembered Tay coming back and flopping down on his bed, hefting the near-empty bag with a grimace, muttering, "What is this, you two bachelors can't even keep your kitchen stocked?" Zac had put his finger over his lips, mouthing "Ike," and Tay had dropped the bread and nuzzled into his neck, whispering heavily, "I'm staying on the couch until we find a place in Brooklyn, remember," and Zac had let him. He thought a crust or two might still be forgotten under his bed.

"Next time think about me when you're doing your midnight snacking," Ike said, mostly joking, and messed up Zac's hair on his way to the refrigerator. "Look, I'm gonna run some errands. Tell the hobo on our couch he can stay for dinner, if he wants."

Zac made some kind of assenting noise and watched Ike grab his jacket and the keys, listened to the door click shut. He finished his cereal, washed out his bowl, and took a few gulps of orange juice from the carton. He tried not to think about Taylor. It worked, almost, until he padded into the other room and found Taylor just waking up on the couch, drowsy smile breaking out at the sight of Zac. "Hey," Taylor grinned, voice syrupy with sleep, "c'mere," and looked up at Zac with clear eyes when Zac did, touched the small of his back.

"I gotta, um," Zac said, and then, "Ike's--"

"At the store, I heard," Taylor said, and wrapped his arms around Zac and tugged him down. Off-balance, they tumbled off the couch and onto the floor, the comforter Tay had stolen from Zac's bed twisting around them. When Zac tried to disentangle, Taylor slid his palm up the back of Zac's shirt, tipped his head back, said, "shh, let's--" He was warm and pliant with sleep, eyes still sleepy, smile loose. "mm," he said, when Zac kissed him, and hooked his leg over Zac's calf.

"You ate the last of our bread," Zac accused him afterwards, still jittery that Ike would come through the door, tense in Tay's arms.

Tay only grinned up at him. "Got him out, didn't it," and he had a point, so Zac kissed him once more, lazily, before retreating to his room.






He started to doubt again, later on, drumming idly against the side of his leg. The problem with having a band composed of your brothers was that they were always there, Taylor with some secret light in his eyes when he looked over, Ike oblivious but unshakable. He's my brother, Zac told himself, for the thousandth time, and he held onto it until he saw Taylor practicing in the other room, Taylor who looked up and grinned at Zac while he was singing, eyes clear and sure, and Zac thought, I don't care, I don't care.






It went back and forth: he regretted it in the shower and changed his mind over dinner, couldn't think of anything but Tay when he fell asleep and then woke up resolved to stop. He tried to forget it when he wasn't around Tay and could think of nothing but when he was.

"Hey, you don't have to solve world hunger today," Ike teased him when he came across him sitting on the couch, brow furrowed. "You know, there's always tomorrow."

"But the starving millions!" Zac teased back. He punched him in the leg and, because he had been thinking about the sure line of Tay's throat and the way Tay had breathed, "yeah, is this okay?" and how Tay had opened his eyes, once, and they had stayed that way just watching each other, he said, "I was working on a song, moron. Somebody's gotta keep this band running."

Ike grinned. "Then I'll just let you handle the business end of things from now on, shall I? Oh, by the way, I've got a date tonight, so--"

Zac raised an eyebrow. "So clear out, is what you're saying? Oh, I can just feel all the brotherly--" and he stopped, abruptly, realizing what he was in the middle of saying, before blundering awkwardly on, more subdued, "uh, love from here."

"You don't have to clear out, just don't be so around, will you? Last time it was like every two minutes you had to--"

"Dude, Ike, you have a bedroom. And we have shared hotels, you know."

"I'm only saying. Fine, maybe you could um, go to Kate's--"

"--I'm not dating Kate anymore, you know that--"

"--or hey, Tay's moving in now, maybe you could help him, or something?" There was a pause. "Okay, sorry, fine, just forget I said anything."

Zac grinned at him. "You're just afraid I'm going to steal all your girls," he teased him, "I see how it is."

"Protecting my baby brother is more like it."

"Fine," Zac said, rolling his eyes, "fine, just don't forget to give me a couple quarters when you see me homeless on the corner. And have fun." He packed his things, grabbed the remains of Ike's cheesecake from the refrigerator, and went to Tay's.

Ike had told him to, after all.






3.\

Natalie's bathroom had the best light. Zac knew this because she'd told him twice, on a tour of their home, but also because he was standing in a pool of sunlight there, staring into their cupboard over the sink. She had more perfume than the counter at Bath & Body Works. The tile was pink. And on the wall by the door she'd framed a black and white picture of her and Taylor from their wedding day. They were both laughing, Taylor's hair falling over his eyes, the pale line of her throat white in the sun.

She was everywhere there; framed pictures of her and Ezra over the couch, a necklace left carelessly on the dresser, CDs Zac knew Taylor had never listened to in his life. He felt like an invader.

"Zac?" Taylor pushed open the door, poking his head around the frame. "I thought maybe you died in here."

They'd fucked twice the night before, once on the couch and once in the middle of the night, sleepy and whispering through the darkness, Zac trying to shake the feeling that Natalie was standing over them, eyes slitted and furious. He lifted a shoulder, said uncomfortably, "um. Thinking."

"Enough philosophizing," Taylor said, and padded in to wrap his arm around Zac's shoulders. "It's too early for that."

"Yeah," Zac said, "yeah, I just. Nothing."

"It's Natalie, isn't it?" Taylor buried his face in Zac's shoulder, kissed the crease of his neck softly. "Hey, come on. We both know how she is. And we both know, mm, where she is right now, which is Georgia, so give it up, okay?"

"okay," Zac said, and then again when Taylor kissed him, Zac's back warm from the sun and Taylor's hands cool against his skin. They kissed again in the shower, for a long time, and when they got out the sun had disappeared and they spent the cloudy afternoon watching old movies and eating ice cream. It was the best date Zac had ever had, and he wasn't envious when he came home and teased Ike about the hickey on his neck. "Where were you all day?" Ike asked, and Zac said, evasively, "Um, out."






They did it once at a hotel, because Natalie was always around that month and Ike wasn't much better. Taylor wore sunglasses and Zac purposely slicked back his hair, and it was ludicrous and terrifying at the same time. Afterwards Taylor got room service and they watched half of an awful movie on HBO before Zac gave up and kissed him, their legs sliding over the sheets, the shadows heavy from the drawn curtains.

"Um," he said, later, pulling his shirt over his head, "we should do this again, maybe," and Taylor said, vaguely enthusiastic, "yeah, yeah."

They never mentioned it again. Zac was secretly glad.






Natalie spent the weekend at her friend's and Zac stayed over, until Ezra started crying and they both jumped up, Zac banging his knee against the edge of the nightstand, Tay's mouth twisting sideways in apology. "I should, um," Zac said, who could already feel the bruise forming, and kissed him on the jaw before he pulled on his jacket. "Bye bye, Ezra," he said, and left the door open when he left, the half-warm night air trickling in with the sounds of the city. Ike was already asleep when he came home.




Isaac was out, the television on mute. Taylor sighed and pushed his hair back with one hand, looking tired. "Zac, it doesn't matter. You know how things are."

"I just want to know."

There was a pause. "Yes, okay? Yes, I slept with Natalie, once; we were both drunk and it just happened, okay."

Zac wondered if it counted as cheating if you were married to the other person. Probably not. He poked at his carton of Chinese and set it down on the table; whatever lo mein was left was suddenly unappealing. Ike was out with the same girl he'd met last week and it was storming outside, dark and heavy, days of April rain.

"hey," Taylor said, softly, "we are married, it was bound to happen, right?" He laughed a little and, when Zac didn't look up, crawled up next to him on the couch and rested his chin in the crook of Zac's shoulder. "It's not like you and me could ever--"

"Right," Zac said, already halfway to kissing him, and tried not to think about it at all.






4.\

"Like, I was thinking," Zac said, after Natalie had her arm around Taylor all night, "we're going on tour, and, maybe we shouldn't, you know."

"You want to stop."

"No, I," Zac said.

"no, I get it, that's--"

"I just, I think we're." Zac rubbed his hand against the back of his head. "You even said we weren't, um--"

"Right," Taylor said, "okay."

"Well, I mean--"

"you're right, it's cool," Taylor said, and it was. He still messed up Zac's hair and stole his French fries every time they ate out and laughed the same way, low and sweet, but he didn't look at Zac in the middle of "Deeper" anymore and didn't lean up against him when no one was looking. He held Natalie's hand in public and smiled at the tall, dark-haired girls who wanted autographs, but mostly at nights he'd end up at Zac's and Ike's, sprawled out on their couch. They'd watch late night television until they fell asleep, and Zac tried not to look at him, tried not to want him anymore.




Taylor was sleeping with Ben Jelen, Zac thought. He'd seen them together at least twice in the past week and had heard Natalie bitch about Ben, which was enough evidence for Zac. Ben was prettier than he was, pouty lips and dark hair, the sort of pretty boy brunette that Taylor went for. They probably belong together, he thought a little viciously, imagining them kissing lazily while Natalie was gone. Zac almost felt sorry for her, except she didn't like him either.

Also, she was kind of a bitch.

"Come on, you know that we belong," Ike sang while he was making dinner for just the three of them, one night. "Hey, Tay, I listened to Ben's album straight through. Your guy, he's pretty good."

Your guy.

Taylor glowed a little, sleeves rolled to his elbows, collar open. They probably went shopping together and played guitar all afternoon, did cute things like sending each other discreet text messages and fucking all day on Ben's couch, sent each other flowers afterwards. "Come On" was probably fucking written for Taylor.

". . . opening for us," Isaac was saying, and Zac tried to tune back in.

"What?"

"yeah, Ben's touring with us. I thought you'd heard. He's pretty good, yeah?"

I think he sucks, Zac wanted to say, and felt guilty. "Uh, yeah," he said lamely. "great."






Zac sat next to Taylor on the plane to Texas. He put on his headphones, read the in flight magazine twice, and watched Taylor sleep. When they were only halfway there, Taylor blinked and stretched, still drowsy and open. Zac thought about kissing him.

"So, Ben," he said.

Taylor said, voice sleep-heavy, "hm?"

"Nothing," Zac said, and shut his eyes.






5.\

Kate came on tour and tried to sleep with him, and Zac hated Ben every time he laughed at something Taylor said, and the only good thing was the music, which was exhausting and took more concentration than usual. He watched Ike and Tay practically singing to each other around one microphone in Dewey Beach and felt a stab of jealousy before he remembered Ben and felt worse. Tay looked good that night, too, except he had always looked good, even in the nineties when Ike was suffering from adolescence and Zac had too much baby fat. Kate kissed him on the cheek after the show and he was too tired to stop her.

They were in Lancaster when Taylor came in, towel over his arm; Ike was out doing an interview or going over business, and Zac was watching MTV. "I gotta use your shower," Taylor said, and came out smelling of hotel soap, tugging his worn green shirt over his head. "You look bored, you wanna come grab something to eat with us? Ben and I wanted to check out that place we passed on the way in, you know--"

"You go ahead," Zac said, fast, and changed the channel. "I'm kinda. Nah."

"You sure?" Taylor was suddenly too close, close enough to pull down and kiss, close enough to tug onto the bed and slide up beside until he made that noise in the back of his throat, pushed his hair out of his face and then leaned in again, clean and warm. "You've been kind of, I don't know."

"tired," Zac said, "I'm tired, the tour and everything."

"Okay," Taylor said, and frowned, because Zac always had the most energy of all of them, wanted to stay up writing after a particularly good show when all Isaac wanted to do was find a girl and go to bed and all Taylor wanted to do was sleep. Usually. Now all he wants to do is spend the night with Ben if Natalie's not around, Zac thought. They probably woke up together and ate breakfast in bed and did sickeningly cute things because they were in love.

"You sure?" Taylor asked again. Zac rolled his eyes and said, "go," and Taylor gave him a lopsided grin and went.






They were backstage after the show in Chicago and Natalie was leaving with Ezra and Ike was with some girl Zac didn't recognize. "hey, um," Taylor said, hand on Zac's shoulder, which was when Zac tripped over a wire and almost fell on his face. "Whoa, hey, you all right?"

"I'm fine," Zac said, "yeah, wasn't looking, you know me. How's Ben?"

"Um," Taylor said, "um, fine. Hey, look, I was--"

"He's doing really well with the fans, I think."

"Yeah, yeah. So, Zac, Ike wants to go to some club, he knows this girl and stuff, did you want to--"

"Take Ben," Zac said, almost automatically, and when he saw something like hesitation in Taylor's eyes, felt guilty. He'd been acting like a baby and of course Taylor felt bad about leaving him behind. "I'm kind of busy, I uh, got something to do."

"oh," Taylor said, "you mean like a girl. Um, right, well." He gave Zac a falsely bright smile and shook him on the shoulder. "Go get her, huh?"

"yeah," Zac said. He watched Taylor go off and bump shoulders with Ben and thought with annoyance, probably going off to fuck in the hotel.

He ended up sleeping with Kate. It was stupid and he was stupid and he really hated the way she smiled at him after, the way she slid her fingers through his hair, the way she was so Kate. And, basically, not Taylor, but he was supposed to be forgetting that, he was supposed to be okay.






"So I heard you and Kate," Taylor said, hands in his pockets, in the lobby a few days later. When Zac looked at him, he gave him an awkward smile. "I heard from Natalie, she was gloating."

"oh," Zac said, "yeah, well, no big deal," and went off to find his sweatshirt. Taylor was probably waiting for Ben anyway.






6.\

Ben and Taylor broke up when Natalie got pregnant. Zac and Ike listened to their argument from the hotel hall, too tired to go elsewhere. "Were you fucking her the whole time? In what, July?" Ben shouted, muffled through the wall. For once, Zac knew how Ben felt.

"What were you expecting?" Zac heard Taylor say, in the same helpless, frustrated tone he knew so well. For an instant, Zac wondered exactly what Ben had been expecting. He wondered what he had wanted. At least you had a chance, he wanted to tell Ben. At least you had what you had.

"You okay?" Ike said then, frown lines around his eyes. "Don't mind Taylor, he always gets himself in these messes, you know how--"

"yeah," Zac said, "I do."

Ben threw open the door, then, his eyes rimmed red but his mouth set, and he only spared a glance for Zac and Isaac before stalking down the hall.

After a moment, Taylor called unnecessarily, "you can come back in now."

Isaac walked in first. "We still have months of touring," he said, hands in his pockets, eyes serious. "This better not mess up anything. Does Natalie know?"

Taylor's grin twisted. Sadly, Zac thought. "What, that she's pregnant?"

Ike snorts, "you and Ben."

"I have a wife I love," Taylor said, reaching for the remote. "Nothing to know."

His eyes weren't red at all.






When he recovered, Ben hit on Zac for over a month, despite the fact that his type was blonde and pretty. Zac toyed with the idea of sleeping with him until he realized it would only be to get to Taylor. He didn't know if he wanted Taylor to be jealous of Ben or of him.

Instead, in a final twist of irony, Kate slept with Ben the first night they were overseas, stuck in Denmark. More ironically, Taylor was the one who stumbled in on them accidentally. Zac didn't know how one stumbled into Ben Jelen's room accidentally, but he could guess.

"Are you going to break up with her?" Taylor asked Zac over breakfast, just the two of them, breakfast rolls and orange juice in their hotel bed. Zac could feel Tay's legs inches from his own underneath the sheets, and he wanted to slide over, put his head on Tay's chest, just breathe for awhile. He missed Taylor, and it was too wrapped up in memories of shadowy kisses and the way Taylor breathed to be just brothers exhausted from touring.

"maybe."

"You won't," Tay said confidently, so confidently that Zac wanted to smack him. "the two of you, you're like me and Natalie."

"We are not," Zac snapped, suddenly angry, furious. "Don't you say that."

"what?" Taylor looked taken aback, and Zac wanted to rip the bed apart, cling to him, and slam the door in his face all at the same time. He needed to write. He needed to get out of the room.

Instead, he looked towards the window, where it was starting to rain. "we aren't like you and Natalie," he said, calmer now, something final in his voice that said the conversation was over.

He wasn't sure if he meant that he and Kate weren't married, that he wasn't trapped yet, or that he and Kate weren't in love.






November was a long month and December was even longer. Zac hated 2004 and found it hard to believe that less than a year ago, he and Tay had been together. As together as they could have been. He wrote six songs in the week before Christmas, until Ike shook him playfully by the shoulder and said, "c'mon, little brother, relax a little."

He called Samaire Armstrong, who was blonde (sometimes) and pretty in an entirely different way than Taylor was. She took him vintage clothes shopping and gave him good gossip he didn't care about and laughed all the time. She also didn't think Ben Jelen's song "Come On" was all that great. Zac loved her. At the end of January, when all their UK reviews began to come out, she called him every day, then made him promise to send her postcards from London. He sent her five at once, one word on each.

"Dork," she said, when she called him in March. "Don't think I didn't hear you on the Hanson Hotline."

Zac snorted. "I didn't know you called that."

"I'm thinking of becoming a member so I can get my Hanson.net 2.2 members kit," she said mock-seriously. "You and Ike just sounded so excited."

"oh, shut up," Zac said. "Want to come south?"

Samaire met them in Rio de Janeiro, which intersected with Taylor's twenty-second birthday. Zac bought her sunglasses and they all drank too much tequila and halfway through the night, Samaire saw him staring at Taylor and said, half-drunk, "Jealous?"

"what," Zac said, "of Taylor? For what, Natalie?"

Samaire shrugged. "You never know." She ruffled his hair. "Now come on, Mr. I'm Still Underage, what's it gonna be? Another shot or a dance with me?"

Zac danced with her. She smelled like smoke and flowers and made him laugh. Across the room, Taylor leaned against the bar and ran his hand through his hair and watched Zac watch him.

"Can somebody be really happy and really sad at the same time?" Zac asked Samaire on the taxi ride back, head in her lap. She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Sure. Are you?"

"Electrically happy," he said sleepily. "Unshakably, terrifyingly sad."

Zac looked out the window; from where he was lying, he could see the lights, the night sky. He was pretty drunk. He didn't know where Taylor was. Last year on Taylor's birthday, Taylor had sneaked into their apartment around four in the morning, and Zac had waited up and they'd fallen asleep still half-clothed, arms around each other. Zac had woken up and kissed him on the forehead. "Happy birthday, old man," he had whispered. "Is everything gonna change now that you're an adult?"

Taylor had smiled up at him sleepily, sunnily. "Only that I can pick you up at bars by buying you drinks," he'd mumbled into the pillow.

Things had changed.

Samaire squeezed his shoulder and didn't let go. "I guess you learn to live with it."

"I guess so," Zac said, shutting his eyes.





7.\

Penelope Anne Hanson was born on April 19, 2005, while Zac ate three bags of Cheetos in a row and Ike paced back and forth in the waiting room for an hour before finally flopping onto the couch beside Zac. Kate was there, reading a magazine, tapping her nails on the arm of the chair in an irritating rhythm. There were some pretty heavy rumors that Zac and Kate were engaged. He was too tired to do anything but let her gloat. Whether they were engaged or not, the wedding wouldn't happen; he knew that much.

Isaac was asleep when Taylor came dashing out, and Kate had gone to get more coffee, but Zac was there, his eyes aching and his mind blank. Taylor hadn't even had to say anything; from the look on his face, Zac had known. He wasn't sure if he'd ever been happy enough to look like that.

Ike had woken up then, and gone with Taylor while Zac waited to tell Kate. To Zac's surprise, Kate burst into tears when he told her. "I just think it's beautiful," she said, sliding her hand into his. He didn't let go. He didn't hold on, either.

Taylor was sitting beside Natalie when Zac and Kate walked in. He was just taking Penelope into his arms, and Zac watched Natalie's arms carefully deliver Penelope into Taylor's, watched them share a small, private look. "Congratulations," Zac said, and his throat hurt, looking at Taylor, there across the room sitting beside Natalie with his daughter in his arms.

Taylor looked up and smiled. "Thanks, little bro."

He was lit up by the sunlight and the glow of parenthood; Natalie had one slim hand resting on his arm, and he was beaming down at Penelope as if she could give him everything in the world he'd ever imagined. Standing there watching him, Zac was suddenly struck by a memory of himself, Ike, and Tay, back from their first record; there was a picture of them, taken in the middle of a photoshoot, where Zac had leapt on Isaac's back and they'd crashed into Taylor and they were all giggling, young and stupid and happy. But he wasn't looking at that Taylor anymore. His brother had a family now. A wife and two children and it wasn't that he felt replaced. They would always be Hanson; they would always be Tay, Zac, and Ike; they would always be brothers, he knew that.

That's all they'd ever be.